What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 04:06
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
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She married twice! .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My life is so biszare .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Do narcissists love their children?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i do to all so called friends.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why would a person always be so tired?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was 9 years of age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I said to her
Why did i forgive my father ?
What did i know ?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I don,t even have a pension.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She wouldn,t have been !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I waited trembling.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My family never makes their pension either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i lived it daily.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He knew the spot.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
All the time i was locked up.
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I think the readers, may guess!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So, i spoilt her more .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She found it foreign!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I have no regrets .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot live in the past .
When she asked me how she looked .
It was going to be , some day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So whats the point in blame.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We all went to grammer schools
She loved him until the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
Would this be the day?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Comes on , in middle age.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was in good health!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But, we were locked up after school.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is soul school!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We were not on the streets..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Especially a lifetime of it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But ive been too sick for many years..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Who then, do I blame.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.